Sunday, June 03, 2007

The Ten Commandments

1. Have as many gods as you wish. It’s what God wants, anyway. Of course it is. Like the kind, merciful god he is he wants you to have variety and freedom of choice in life. And just forget the crap about the sins of the ancestors. God just had a hangover and was vengeful again.

2. Take God’s name in vain as much as you desire. He just loves being mentioned, being remembered on birthdays, during drunken speeches and all. In fact he turns quite annoyed if you don’t mention him at least once a day.

3. You may photograph God as much you want, if you actually run into him that is. He’s very camera shy and hasn’t really been around for thousands of years. Even Paparazzies have been unable to snap a picture of him and they are trying very hard. Howard Hughes and the other similar reclusives becomes party lions compared to the good God. We don’t know if he has finally cut his hair or shaved off his beard or if he has finally gotten rid of that ridiculous dress. We don’t really know anything after the infamous incident two thousand years ago, when he beat up his son pretty badly. Even the various spokesmen he has employed throughout the years have been pretty quiet recently. The few things we do hear are mostly a recap of old news. People await the word of God. Where is he? What will be his next, major movie project? Will he be playing the main part this time, or will he once again leave that to a subordinate, yet another in his vast ensemble? The world is waiting in breathless anticipation.

4. Keep no day holy. Have many holidays, and make sure to whore a lot and be as active as possible and do everything you may want to do on all days and nights. Idle, as God is he works as little as he possibly can, and we, his children should certainly follow his excellent guidelines, in this as well as in all other matters.

5. Laugh (a lot) at your mother and father. Listen to them if they say something sensible, but usually they don’t really do that. If you listen to them and respect them when they do all those stupid things, you will only encourage more such behavior in the future, and you shouldn’t do that. And if you’re not very, very careful you will even emulate them, and then you will be laughed at, by your children, when the time comes, so take heed.

6. Murder as many as you possibly can. The more the merrier. Great men and women have killed people in large numbers. Especially prophets and christian soldiers have been very eager when it comes to following this commandment.

7. Commit adultery as much as you possibly are able to. You shouldn’t marry at all, but if you have been so stupid you shouldn’t allow one silly impulse to ruin your entire life. After all, God was pissed drunk on holy beverages when he created the institution of marriage, and many of his worshippers are once again repeating his mistakes. There’s nothing wrong with getting drunk, mind you, but we must all admit that the mind doesn’t work very well in such circumstances.

8. Lie as much as you possibly can. Once again you should use the Holy Bible as inspiration. There is quite the crowd of great liars and backstabbing heroes in The Good Book.

10. Desire your neighbor’s land as much as you want. Steal as much as you can from the sick wealthy bastard in the palace next door. But steal most of all from your poor constituent and the beggars knocking on the door of your mansion. Property rights are, after all quite the inexact science. God has probably been drunk or had a hangover yet again. No one is free of sin, when it comes down to it, you know.

11. Fuck your neighbor’s lovely wife as much as you please. I mean, if she is wagging her tail or if you quite simply desire her, fucking her is certainly the only right thing to do. And, as stated: marriage is a drunken man’s game. You shouldn’t fuck your neighbor’s donkey, though. We should all draw the line somewhere.

7 comments:

Anonymous said...

Oh I love it! I just wrote something on my blog concerning morals and the ten commandments, but of course not with such flair and cynicism as yourself. ~Tarma

Amos Keppler said...

Thank you, thank you. I'm taking a bow.

bubba said...

Marvelous! Bravo! Encore!

Now, to find effective ways of purging the vicious virus from our fellow earthlings who have fallen victim.

It's wonderful to share in our faithlessness when we find like mindedness, and it seems to be even better when we find effective ways of ridding minds of faith.

Amos Keppler said...

It is quite a rush

Twazzi said...

@Amos: You know you'll be going to an
imaginary hell for this blasphemy. You certainly won't get into imaginary heaven for your blog.

But WTF who cares it was a good and
humorous read.

Amos Keppler said...

Thank you. A good and loud laughter prolongs life, I'm told, and I think there is something to it.

GodlessAndHappy said...

Grintastic!:D